Depress Conference

Days earlier, Marc Ambinder of the Atlantic reported that a McCain aide said it would be a while before the Governor is subjected to direct questions from the press. The campaign, Ambinder wrote, will “effectively deal with the media’s complaints, and their on-the-record response to all this will be: ‘Sarah Palin needs to spend time with the voters.'”

PRESS: Okay, it’s October. Can we speak to Governor Palin now?

GOP SPOKESPERSON: I’m sorry, the Governor needs to spend more time with her family.

P: I thought she needed to spend time with the voters.

GOP S: Her family are the voters, except for her children and almost-baked grandchild. They are the voters of tomorrow, because our children–and I know the Governor feels very strongly about this–are our future.

P: Okay, but–

GOP S: The state slogan of Alaska is, as you may know, “North to the Future.” Since our children are our future, and the Governor’s children are her (and their father’s, whoever he or they is or are) future, then the Governor lives by the motto, “North to Our Children.” Of course, at the North Pole there is no further point north, so when Mrs. Palin is ice fishing and whale skinning and polar bear shooting and Eskimo hunting at the North Pole her motto is “Nowhere to Our Children.” That is why she is running. Do you have children?

P: What? Me? No, but–

GOP S: Then you have no future. Meanwhile, I will have to insist that you stop asserting this blatant anti-Palin bias. The American people don’t want the liberal press to tell them what to think. They want to make up their own minds.

P: Okay, but how can they make up their own minds if everything you people say about the Governor is a lie?

GOP P: The American people are perfectly capable of making up their minds based on lies. That’s what you liberal media refuse to recognize.

P: Actually, the media aren’t really that liberal–

GOP P: You challenge Sarah Palin’s experience as a POW at your peril.

P: Huh? Wait–

GOP P: Where were you when Sarah Palin was giving birth in a Viet Cong prison? Or I suppose you had “other priorities.”

P: No, see–

GOP P: Where were you when Ronald Reagan liberated that concentration camp? Where were you when George W. Bush flew combat missions over Alabama? Where were you when John McCain went around being a maverick and his own man and everything?

P: You–

GOP P: This election is not about “the issues.” It’s not about “the economy.” It isn’t about “the past eight years” and it isn’t about “the future.”

P: No, wait, see, you just said…Um (consults notes) “North–”

GOP P: It isn’t about what I just said. It’s about faith. Simple, honest American faith. Let me tell you something. With all due respect: There is more faith in a hockey mom from the north hunting caribou in the wild precious wilderness resources of five wonderful, pregnant children–all schooled at home and homed at school–from the PTA, belief in Jesus Christ, and a beauty queen making mooseburgers on a Bridge to Nowhere that God created in 6,000 years out of abstinence, patriotism, polar bears, free enterprise, and the Alaskan National Guard, than there is in all of your Hollywood celebrity abortions, global warming, and “community organizers.”

P: Are you insane?

GOP P: Ask the American people if they think we’re insane.

P: Hm. Good point. Okay, thanks!

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